Just Shoot Me

Okay this is the entry where I get to be honest and blow off some steam. Finally, I admit that this parenthood thing is not all light and happiness. Today was George's first day back to work after about two weeks off and I was really feeling his absence. He is such a big help to me when he's home. I had a hard day. My back has been hurting. I'm in physical therapy for it and I think I'm getting better but I still have bad days. Today was one of them. Nathan is teething and though we've seen no sign of teeth, I know they are the cause of his crankiness and it seems that no matter what I do, he's not happy. Unless of course I sit in the chair and nurse him all day and/or let him use me for his pacifier. The minute I unlatch him, even if he was dead asleep, the screaming begins. I did get him to take a few short naps today which allowed me a little one on one time with Olivia. We got outside to play in the snow for about a half hour. The rest of the time, Nate wants to be packed around which is hard enough when I'm feeling fine, much less when my back hurts to begin with. I hate to leave him in the swing crying but I had to do that today just to get a GD shower. He's such a sweetheart most of the time, but today, he gave me a run for my money.

George went to bed as soon as we put Olivia down. She layed in there crying, calling for mommy, and her binky for at least 45 minutes before she settled down. I would go in every 15 minutes or so and try to calm her, but I still feel like such a bitch for deciding that 2008 would be the year without the binky. How cruel of me to take away her main source of comfort. Is it that big of a deal? After all, she's not even two yet. If it was just a matter of her using it at nap time and at night, I wouldn't have pushed it. But lately, she wants it more and more during the day, especially when she's been scolded for misbehaving. She also wants to walk around and try to talk with it in her mouth, which annoys me to the nth degree. So tonite, when I don't have the energy to deal with her upsetedness, I am kicking myself for taking the damn binky away. If I would just give it to her, she'd go right to sleep and maybe I could have a moment's peace myself. However, it wouldn't serve her in the long run, and I know that the longer we wait to say bye bye to the binky, the harder it will be on all of us. I still feel bad though, the whole parental guilt thing, and am I scarring her for life? I'm not sure what had her so upset tonight. The last two nights weren't this bad. Which I guess, is a good thing, because if it had started off so difficultly, I might not have stayed the course. George tells me not to think too much about it. I asked him if that was his nice way of saying, "Stop talking about it." I really don't want to torture myself about it. I just want to do right by her. Give her the tools to be successful in life. Self-reliant. Independent. Self-assured. Life is a series of difficult decisions. I am realizing that more and more now that I am a parent.

Well I'll end on a high note. Nate is sitting in his Bumbo on the kitchen table as I type away on the laptop. He has been gracious enough to cooperate and let me get thru this post without fussing, even though he hates the Bumbo. Maybe he knew in his infinite infant wisdom, that mom needed a break to vent. He just smiled and showed me his dimples when I tickled his chin. It made tears well up in my eyes. Just that chubby little face with that sweet expression made my day worthwhile. And, I think he made a poopy. HOORAY FOR POOPY!