I am hoping that writing these entries will help me work thru the myriad of emotions and doubts I am plagued with over this binky issue. So, bear with me. And feel free to offer your opinions on the matter. My f*ing space bar is not working worth a darn which is adding to my level of frustration. Sorry to digress.
Olivia finally fell asleep after two hours in her crib. The first hour was a lot of babbling, some laughing, some singing, and a little semi-fake crying. The second hour was pure hell, for both of us I'm sure. She really got upset, hysterical, sobbing, gasping for breath. I would go in there periodically and try to offer some comfort, to no avail. Nathan got a Twilight Turtle for Christmas that projects the constellations onto the ceiling. I had that in her room hoping it would preoccupy her. It didn't really help. After I got Nathan to sleep, I went in again. Her poor little face looked all puffy from the crying. I stroked her head and rubbed her back. She wanted me to wind up her Elmo and her lullaby teddy. She was really fighting sleep. She would look up, groggily, and say, "Hi momma" in the sweetest little voice. I could hear the exhaustion. It just broke my heart. She asked me for a pickle. LOL After about 15 minutes, she told me to go then finally fell asleep.
So, here is my dilemma: I have always wanted bedtime to be a positive experience for her. She's always been such a good little sleeper. She tells me when she's ready for her nap and runs down the hall toward her room. All she wants is her binky to soothe her to sleep. These last few days are making me seriously question whether or not she is ready to let go of her binky. Well actually, now I KNOW she's not ready. Do I continue to move forward with the plan simply because I need to finish what I started, as a matter of principle? Or do I listen to what my dear little daughter is trying to tell me and give her the binky back? It just breaks my heart what I am putting her through. And for what? What's the point? Sometimes I forget she's still a baby, mostly because she's such a bright little girl. She's not a little adult. She doesn't understand why all of a sudden, just because it's the New Year, that Mom has decided she can't have the binky anymore. She must be so confused. I just feel terrible.
I can't let this turn into a battle of wills. I'm a pretty stubborn person and it's really hard for me to admit when I'm wrong. I don't think I'm doing right by Olivia by pushing this issue right now. I think I'm wrong. I just hope she will forgive me. I haven't talked to George about this yet, but I'm hoping he'll support me. I'm sure he will. I think it's time to bring binky back.
Thanks for listening.